to be continued.

Normally, when I write a blog, I have been going through something difficult and I receive some kind of revelation about it— then I write and post. I truly love when this happens and I have fallen in love with blogging on the race. However, this blog is different as I am still struggling with something very difficult and I don’t feel like I have any answers.

For those of you who know me personally, you know that when I was 16, I broke my back mysteriously (we still don’t know how it happened) and since then, have been dealing with chronic pain. The thing about chronic pain is it never really goes away. Sometimes, you don’t feel it as much or you just get used to it. It becomes your new “normal.” But it’s actually so depressing. I don’t know what it feels like to be completely pain-free. I haven’t for 8 years. The closest I ever got was when I was addicted to painkillers but that’s not sustainable. The race has been so tough on my body. In Guatemala, I was sleeping in a tent on a 2-inch mat and hiking a mountain once a week. In Romania, I averaged walking 10 miles per day. Albania blessed me with a comfy bed and allowed me some space for recovery. In Greece, I walked 5-7 miles per day. Turkey was very balanced, walking about half of the time I was there. So far, Nepal has been the toughest on my body. I sit on the floor every day for most of the day, walk everywhere, and sleep on my 2-inch mat every night. I feel silly even writing about this because these are seemingly normal things. I feel I could do them with ease if my body would allow it. But I’ve been spending every night here, crying out to God to heal me because I can’t take it anymore. The pain has gotten so much worse since we got here. Parts of my back that weren’t injured are starting to hurt. I experience the sensation of pins and needles throughout my entire back and my legs tend to fall asleep very quickly. I can hardly put my shoes on anymore without wanting to cry. Even lying down and breathing is uncomfortable. Honestly, sometimes I would rather be dead than continue life with chronic pain. And that’s just the reality of chronic pain. It is not only physically unbearable but it takes an emotional toll as well.

Recently, I broke down crying at a house visit. Typically, we go to house visits to encourage others with testimonies or a message. After sitting for a couple of hours in pain, I was so frustrated with my condition that I just started sobbing. I felt so ashamed. We came to support them and there I was making it all about me. Someone drove me home on their motorcycle and I felt guilty for even being offered such a thing. I didn’t deserve all of this “special” treatment because I appeared just fine on the outside. You would never know that I broke my back unless I told you. “You’re too young to have back problems” is something I’ve heard ever since I broke it. My doctor didn’t even want to give me an X-ray when I went in for my initial appointment. We had to convince her to order one. After so many years of invalidation, I guess I started talking to myself that way too. I don’t normally tell people that my back is broken because I think “What’s the point, they don’t care” or I honestly think that they won’t believe me or take my pain seriously. So I push through until I can’t anymore. Unfortunately, I’m at a point where I feel like I can’t anymore. I feel guilty for not being able to do the very thing I signed up for. I have 2 months and 25 days left. I just want to finish this race but it’s so hard. Of course I’ve thought about going home and of course, flights have only increased in cost. I want to believe that there is purpose in all of it. I know that God isn’t surprised by my situation at all and I’m just trying to trust Him and His plan but let’s be real— when we’re talking about something physical it is really hard to ignore everything you know to trust God in an area that’s hard to believe in. I struggle to believe in healing and miracles, yet in almost every testimony I’ve heard in Nepal, there has been healing and miracles. The people of Nepal have come to know Jesus after trying everything else, to only be healed by Him. I’ve heard at least 10 testimonies like this and I still doubt that it can happen sometimes. But I want to believe. I want to experience the healing hand of God. I want to be free from the pain in my body. I would love to see a miracle. I know God loves me. I’m letting go of the lie that I am unworthy. I believe that he wants to heal me and he will heal me. I don’t know when— but I won’t allow my pain to tell me that God doesn’t love me anymore.

If you could keep me in your prayers, I would greatly appreciate it. I don’t know what is to come in the next couple of weeks. I feel scared but I’m taking the leap of faith.

John 5:8-9