real.

If only I could have seen into the darkness awaiting me as soon as I hit “publish” on my last blog post. I know that sounds dramatic— and honestly is— but my soul would disagree. Within a few days of posting my last blog, I was a total stranger to my thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. I had already questioned God’s character multiple times throughout the race, especially after my mom’s diagnosis. I didn’t think there was more to question but there was. I began to question if God existed at all. My entire world collapsed while the rest of the world around me kept on going like everything was perfect. I felt ashamed walking into a room of smiles and laughter. I wanted so badly to tell everyone “I’m doing better now” so I would feel accepted, but I couldn’t. My mom was still sick. It had been months of the same thing with updates that usually weren’t too promising. Even now, as I’m writing this blog, I can feel the shame trying to resurface after mentioning “my mom’s diagnosis” once again. But, this is what I’m going through. It’s really hard and I wish it was all sunshine and rainbows here, more than anyone. But this is reality. Reality feels like there’s a knife in my chest most days. Reality feels like my face burning from the salt in my tears. Reality feels like being abandoned by God himself.

“How could you possibly feel this way on a mission trip? Shouldn’t you be growing closer to God?”

“Remember the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

”Shouldn’t you be thrilled to suffer for the gospel?”

”Didn’t you sign up to serve the Lord for a year? Following Jesus takes sacrifice.”

This is only a glimpse of the words that shame spoke over me during one of the most difficult times of my life. I felt defeated for even feeling defeated. One of the worst parts about shame is how quickly it can isolate you. I felt inadequate. I felt unworthy of being a Christian, a missionary, or anybody at all. These thoughts clouded my perception of who God was. I didn’t want to have a relationship with someone who wanted me to ignore my feelings for their sake. I was irritated that this is who I sacrificed a year of my life for while my mom was fighting for hers. I didn’t want to praise and sing to a God who couldn’t care less about me. My blood boiled with anger. I felt absolutely insane for thinking that this race was worth anything at all. The only reason I hadn’t booked my flight home was because I didn’t have $3,000. I felt trapped and hopeless, surrounded by a community of people that I didn’t think had the capacity to empathize.      The last thing I wanted to do was spend 4 more months on the field feeling like this.

Our team arrived at our new home in Türkiye and had a couple of days off to recover from travel. I had been reading “Case for Christ” by Lee Strobel, hoping that evidence would be enough to bring hope back. I thought everything that I was feeling was a result of unbelief. If Jesus existed, that means the Bible is true and God is real, and if the Bible is true, then God is love. Unfortunately, the only thing that book did for me was put me to sleep. I still haven’t finished it, though I plan to one day. Anyway, nothing seemed to help me get out of this place. I didn’t want to talk to God at all and hadn’t in weeks. I decided to read through my old journal entries and see how I used to talk to God. As I read through them, I reflected on how I used to be so honest with God. When I had a question, I asked boldly. When I was angry, he definitely heard about it. When I was sad, he caught my tears on those pages. I realized he never asked me to stop feeling. I stopped believing that he cared about me. The human me. The real me. The one with feelings. After I realized this, everything changed. My heart let its walls down once again to let love come back in. There is so much freedom in knowing that His love does not depend on my feelings. I can just be and be loved. When the Bible becomes a rule book instead of a love letter, it is incredibly easy to feel unworthy. But, Jesus died so I can be angry. He gave his life so I could make mistakes for the rest of mine, and still be loved. This kind of love is a great sigh of relief. This kind of love is given freely— simply because God created me and he LOVES everything that he created, unconditionally. There would be no purpose for God to create anything he did not love, for he is fully confident in everything he creates. So if you are reading this blog right now, know that you are immeasurably loved. God loves you right now— in all of your humanness. He is not scared of your feelings and he loves you even when you make mistakes. There is no other love like this. This love is real.

1 Peter 5:6-7