trust.

Ever since my mom was diagnosed with cancer, things have been very difficult. In my last blog, “what is love?” I wrote about a new revelation of God’s love that I had experienced. I realized God loves us so much, that it was worth the pain of dying for us, just to have a relationship with us. Since then, things with my mom haven’t gotten much better. I, along with many others, have been praying healing for her since day one. Over a month later my mom is still sick. The cancer had spread, she’d undergone another surgery, and she is now expecting weeks of chemo and radiation treatments. Honestly, I’ve been a lot angrier with God this time around, questioning his character as a whole. Is he even good? Why wouldn’t he take away the pain and sickness from my mom? It’s easy for him to do that. Doesn’t he love her? My heart is broken, wondering if my prayers even make a difference if God is just going to do what he wants anyway. More than anything else, I want to believe that God is good. It hurts so badly to even consider the possibility that he isn’t. Not because “we aren’t supposed to question God” but because my relationship with him was at stake. My pride wasn’t intimidated about being “wrong” about who God was. It was my heart that worried. I had opened it to him, trusting that he genuinely loved me. This year, I have never felt MORE loved, forgiven, and accepted. It was earth-shattering to think that none of it was true. But here I was— heartbroken. I didn’t want to pray anymore. I could only see God as a fraud.

Unfortunately, I battled with this perceived “betrayal” for weeks. Every day, becoming more and more frustrated with life. Wondering why I ever signed up for this trip. I felt expected to hide my disappointment with God. Being surrounded by so many Christians was suffocating. It felt like nobody had ever questioned God the way I had. Maybe they were afraid to, but what did I have to lose? For all I knew, heaven or hell didn’t exist either. But, I wanted to know the truth, and there’s just something about me that doesn’t give up very easily.

I had heard about a movie called “The Shack” through a testimony on our team. It didn’t become a significant event until my aunt mentioned the book seconds later in a text. I purchased the book and began reading it. I couldn’t put it down. I felt so seen every page I turned. Emotions that I didn’t know I was feeling were flowing out of me. The book is about a man who lost his daughter and became very angry at God. I won’t spoil it for you— it is incredible and I highly recommend it if you’re also struggling with God’s character. Although I haven’t quite finished the book, I couldn’t help but share how it’s impacted my life. Every worry that I had about God’s character started to dissolve. All I could see was his love. The book was so parallel to every emotion I had been experiencing with my mom. Reading it felt like God was speaking to me through the pages. I was able to understand something very important, that I hope to never forget. God loves us enough to give us freedom or “free will” even if that freedom can hurt us. God has never and will never force his will upon anyone because that is NOT what love is. He gave us a choice in the beginning, knowing we would still choose independence from him. His only desire is that we return to him and be in a relationship with him. I don’t know about you but, it would be really difficult for me to create an entire universe of people KNOWING they’d choose independence over a relationship with me. It’s easy to say we simply wouldn’t create the world or we wouldn’t make it possible for people to “mess up.” Both of those options come from a place of control. “If I can’t have the love I desire, I just won’t even bother.” “If there’s no way for them to choose something/someone else, then they have to choose me.” At the end of the day, that is NOT love. God is love and love does not want control even if there is potential for hurt.

I wish I could tell you that I completely understood why my mom hasn’t been healed yet, if at all. Unfortunately, I still don’t know the reason. However, I do know that God loves her immeasurably more than I can. I also trust that He is good, even if I’m not able to see the full picture. Therefore, I trust that whatever the reason, he is doing it all in love.

Psalm 9:10