what is love?

If you would have asked me this question a month ago, I would’ve told you that what I know about love is a lot different than what I believe about love. I knew what love was based on what the Bible said about love but in my experience, love was none of those things. Love was controlling, manipulative, painful, scary, unnecessary, and not worth it.

I remember growing up with such a big heart for others. I forgave easily and loved deeply. I loved to love— especially loving people who are often overlooked and labeled as “unworthy” by most of the world. I was always hanging out with the “bad” kids at school. For years, I wanted to go into prisons and completely change the system from cold and punitive to loving and rehabilitating. After so many years of being hurt though, I decided that I didn’t want to love or be loved anymore. I built a wall around my heart and protected it at all costs.

But everything is changing. After experiencing the love and grace from the community around me, I began to open my heart up to loving again.

It all started with understanding forgiveness.

I didn’t think I had anyone to forgive. I had even gotten to the point of praying for my exes that had hurt me so badly. It’s hard to pray for someone you hate and it’s hard to hate someone you pray for— so I genuinely thought I was “off the hook.” But I realized quickly, the person I had forgotten to forgive was myself. I could easily look at other people and say “Their track record doesn’t matter and they are worthy of love.” But when I looked at myself, all I could see was every mistake I had ever made.

One day I was reading in Luke 23, where Jesus is crucified. There he was, hanging on a cross with nails in his hands and feet. I cannot imagine the pain from only his hands and feet supporting his body. His back must have felt like it was breaking for hours. While he is hanging there, being mocked, spit at, you name it— he says “Father forgive them for they don’t know what they’re doing.” This absolutely blew my mind. Do you know how much you have to love someone to want forgiveness for them WHILE they are actively hurting you? After reading I realized, that’s the same God that forgives me! Forgives us! And we weren’t even the people driving the nails through his hands. After realizing this, I could see that the wall I had built was starting to fall.

Recently, I found out my mom has cancer. It started as just a lump with no concern. The next week we found out it was positive for cancer. The next week she went through surgery. The next week she found out she had more cancer. Now, she is scheduled for another surgery and most likely has to undergo chemo and radiation. Throughout the past 4 weeks, I have been praying with my community of 20+ people for healing, miracles, and overall protection. I felt really hurt when I found out she was still positive for cancer after all of these prayers were being lifted. I felt angry with God and very disappointed that he hadn’t healed her (yet).

I was angry because of how much love I have for my mom. I couldn’t stop thinking about living in a world without her. It breaks my heart knowing there will be a day, not soon, but eventually when I won’t be able to call her and talk to her about my problems. There will be a day when I can’t hear her laugh or see her smile anymore. There will be a day when she can’t say “I love you” to me anymore.

I used to think that it would be better to have no relationship with my mom at all so that it wouldn’t hurt so bad when that time comes. That’s how I’ve been living my life. Avoiding pain. Running from love because I always saw an end to it. I know now that if someone told me I could be pain-free if I would just give up my relationship with my mom— I could never say “yes.” Loving my mom is worth all of the pain in the world. Having a relationship with her is worth every tear that falls down my face.

And then I realized that’s how God loves his children. That’s how God loves me. We are worth all of the pain. And he would go through everything all over again just to have a relationship with us.

So what is love?

Love is freedom. Love is forgiving. Love is beautiful. Love is the reason we exist.

Love is WORTH IT.

1 John 4:19