redemptive replay.

Our squad left Guatemala 3 weeks ago. It’s hard to believe I’ve almost been in Romania for a month now. I am still trying to adjust to a new culture even though it feels familiar to home in the States. Guatemala felt more like home in my heart. I really do miss Guatemala but I know I can get caught up in the past and can’t see what’s happening right in front of me. I want to pour into the people here as best as I can and right now that’s a challenge for me.

I’m not sure what I expected Romania to be like but I wasn’t expecting it to feel so much like home in the States. The weather is very similar to Michigan (so far), the people are very reserved (like in Michigan), and the work-life balance is rough. I can’t speak on behalf of an entire country and my analysis of this place is solely based on my experience in life. And right now it feels like everything is on replay.

I know I didn’t come on the race perfect— FAR from, in fact. I knew I was broken and needed healing. I guess I just didn’t realize how much healing I needed or what that looked like. Guatemala taught me so much about the freedom in a relationship with God and how easy it is to have a relationship with him. There was no pressure to perform, all I had to do was just be. I wish I could tell you I was solid in this revelation— but I am struggling to believe in it in this season. I know God didn’t change. He is the same God I came to know in Guatemala… so what happened? My environment changed.

Guatemala is a very laid-back country. Time is a concept there. If something is supposed to start at 3 pm, it’s actually around 4 pm. Our ministry partner told us “Start work around 9 am or so and finish around 2 or 3 pm, it doesn’t matter.” I remember being so confused at first because “time is money” was engraved in my brain. I had a great time letting go of that mentality and just moseying in wherever, whenever. Because of this very laid-back culture, it was so much easier to feel the freedom that God had to offer. “This is how we were created to live” my heart sang. Romania is the exact opposite. Time is still money and if something starts at 3 pm, be there by 2:45 pm, and still be the last one to walk in the room. As you can imagine, this dramatic switch-up threw me for a loop… literally.

My first few weeks here, in Romania, and I’m struggling with a list of things I thought I had overcome before leaving for the race. Past trauma creeping in on me and trying to pull me under the waves again. The only voice I hear in my head is “I am not good enough” on repeat. Everything that I do, is redone because it’s not up to standard. Critiques coming left and right. I don’t feel loved, I don’t feel worthy of being loved, and I’m looking for an escape wherever I can find one. Running to all of the wrong places searching for something to make me feel adequate, and forgetting who God is. I don’t know who I am again— but I know this person well. I am familiar with the way she walks through life… lost, confused, and hopeless.

I don’t want to be her again. I don’t want to be here again. But I know there’s a reason and I think I’m walking in it.

I believe this season is for redemption. I think things are on replay so they can be rewritten. I’ve walked through most of my life on my own. My trust in others was broken at such a young age and has continued to decline ever since. I don’t like to ask for help and I don’t ever want to depend on someone else. I’m terrified of receiving love because I’ve always had to pay for it. I fight all of my battles on my own because I’ve always felt like a burden. There has been so much damage done to my heart but I know it is being restored.

Recently I broke down crying in front of my team. I didn’t want to cry, the tears literally fell out of my eyes without permission. I was worried about them thinking I was dramatic. Every time tears fall down my face in front of people, I feel absolutely terrified. I apologize over and over because I’ve been told so many times to “shut up.” My very first relationship was abusive on every level possible and the first thing that I learned was being quiet kept me safe. So I’m sitting on my bed trying to keep the tears in while everyone stares at me. I try to say something and all I can get out is “I can’t talk.” One of my teammates very gently says “God wants you to.” At this point, my mind is absolutely in freeze mode but I am bawling my eyes out. I hide my face. Next thing I know, I’m being hugged by someone, and 2 seconds later everyone is surrounding me, holding me. I was so confused. I was met right where I was, with so much love and grace. They were so patient with me trying to speak through my hyperventilating. We were over 30 minutes late to ministry because of my “mental breakdown” but I was more important than being on time. I was worth the 2 hours that it took to let out everything I had been holding in. That moment really changed a lot in me. It’s still difficult to open up to people but now I have a new moment to reference when I feel scared. I’ve already been able to look back on it a few times since then, to dismiss the fear in my mind when expressing my feelings now and it’s weird— but so incredibly healing.

I’m not exactly sure when or where this season of my life will end but I am accepting it with open arms. Whatever I have to do to truly be free, I am willing, no matter how hard it is. I am learning how to accept love again. From God, from others, and from myself.

1 Peter 5:10